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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25866553">hand in unlovable hand</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoid_parallax/pseuds/paranoid_parallax'>paranoid_parallax</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Anxiety Attacks, Assassination Attempt(s), Author has issues, Body Image, Burns, Canonical Child Abuse, Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Codependency, Cutting, Dark, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Extremely Dubious Consent, Fire Nation Royal Family, Firebending &amp; Firebenders, Firelord Zuko (Avatar), Food Issues, Gaslighting, Gen, Graphic Description, Head Injury, Heavy Angst, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Injury, Isolation, I’m going through some shit so maybe that’s why lol, Loneliness, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Paranoia, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Sad, Self-Defense, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Coercion, Sibling Incest, Siblings, Sleep Deprivation, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, Trust Issues, Victim Blaming, Vomiting, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, a chapter and a half of comfort after a lot of hurt, a lot of really bad shit happens, and is not here to romanticize/glorify any of this stuff don’t worry, but like, this is like the darkest fic I’ve written probably</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:55:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,369</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25866553</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoid_parallax/pseuds/paranoid_parallax</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Zuko finds the pressures of being Firelord too much to handle, but doesn't want to burden his friends or uncle with his problems. Azula is still deeply resentful at having been institutionalized, and doesn't trust her old friends enough to confide in them. With nowhere else they will allow themselves to go for help, they slowly begin to find a twisted sort of comfort in each other's company — and things only get worse from there.</p><p>Inspiration from the song "No Children" by the Mountain Goats.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Azula &amp; Ozai (Avatar), Azula &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Ozai &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Suki &amp; Ty Lee &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Suki &amp; Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Ty Lee &amp; Zuko (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>155</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>I hope that our few remaining friends<br/>Give up on trying to save us<br/>I hope we come up with a failsafe plot<br/>To piss off the dumb few that forgave us</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I hope the fences we mended<br/>Fall down beneath their own weight<br/>And I hope we hang on past the last exit<br/>I hope it’s already too late</i>
</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zuko knew he was slipping. He just hoped it wasn’t obvious to everyone else.</p>
<p>Nearly all of his friends and family were off in faraway parts of the world, leaving only Suki and Ty Lee, neither of whom he was especially close with. They had offered to serve as bodyguards, in light of an extremely close call he’d had with a would-be assassin less than three months into his rule. He was grateful for their help in that regard, but kept his distance emotionally, wary of being too candid with them about his personal problems. That was a surefire way to lose their respect and, consequently, their loyalty, putting his life at even greater risk.</p>
<p>His letters to the others remained light and empty, never saying anything of substance about his current life. He couldn’t risk putting any sensitive information into them — what if one fell into the wrong hands? Already he was on thin ice, and if the world learned how weak he truly was, he would no longer be accepted as Firelord.</p>
<p>Zuko had quickly learned that he was simultaneously too much like and unlike his father for comfort. Unlike Ozai, he was struggling to keep up with all his responsibilities. He supposed he was in a more difficult situation politically in many ways, but it was still hard not to make the comparison.</p>
<p>Yet when he saw himself in the mirror in his official robes and crown for the first time, he saw just how much he resembled his father, and felt sick.</p>
<p>It was deeply isolating, having no one to talk to about the stress he was under. Zuko was used to feeling like the world was against him, but no longer used to having no refuge from their hatred. There was nowhere to hide now, no more disguising himself and slipping away into the background, and it reminded him uncomfortably of his childhood in the palace under his father’s constant scrutiny.</p>
<p>Since that first assassination attempt a few months ago, he had been constantly on edge. It felt less like paranoia and more like he was just waiting for the inevitable, knowing at any moment someone might betray him. Even the Kyoshi Warriors might, or his top advisors. Ozai might still be commanding some of his generals from his cell; he might be planning to escape and take back his throne by force. There was no doubt in Zuko’s mind that Ozai would kill him if given the chance — he’d already tried once before, twice if you counted the Agni Kai. No one could be trusted. Even a servant could be sent to poison him.</p>
<p>It became harder and harder for Zuko to trust food.</p>
<p>At first he worried, but not enough to not eat. Gradually, though, it became nearly impossible to convince him that any food was safe to touch, and he panicked that he was dying so badly every time he ate that he began to avoid food altogether. Hunger was unpleasant, and he knew he was losing weight — losing muscle, making himself more vulnerable — but he couldn’t deal with the anxiety attacks. On top of how awful they felt, they took up too much time, and it was more practical at this point not to eat than it was to put himself through one of those several times a day.</p>
<p>His startle reflex, already made hyperactive through a childhood of fear and abuse, was somehow getting even worse. The slightest unexpected noise or movement could cause him to flinch or jump or cry out, though he tried his hardest not to do so around anyone else. They couldn’t know how much he was unraveling.</p>
<p>Sleep was difficult. Between the constant hunger pangs gnawing at his stomach, the fear of being caught off guard, the nightmares he was prone to getting, and the anxiety of abandoning his duties for even a few hours in a time of such instability, he was lucky to catch a few hours here and there, but had nothing close to a sleep schedule and could rarely manage to get a full night’s worth.</p>
<p>It had been months since he had seen any of his friends in person. They kept telling him they would visit as soon as they got a chance, but they hadn’t yet, and it had been months, and people were trying to <em>kill</em> him.</p>
<p>They hadn’t really cared about him, had they?</p>
<p>He’d been convenient. Useful. They’d let him into the group so they could win the war, and install him as Firelord in service of their own interests… not that he disagreed with those interests, and he could hardly fault them for being practical, but it stung to realize that was all it had been.</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m alone.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’m all alone.</em>
</p>
<p>Why keep up the charade?</p>
<p>He stopped responding to most of their letters personally, handing the less politically important ones off to a secretary. Being rude to his allies would be a terrible idea, but there was no harm in simply being politely formal rather than pretending they were best friends.</p>
<p>There was still his uncle to write to, of course, and Iroh had visited Zuko at the palace a couple of times since his coronation. He never spoke to Uncle about the difficulties he was having, though, knowing he could never forgive himself if he became the source of any more stress and sorrow. These were his problems, and he could handle them alone.</p>
<p>Except he couldn’t, and at some point even he had to admit that.</p>
<hr/>
<p>This was a terrible idea, Zuko knew. He knew it was stupid and dangerous — so naturally, he didn’t tell anyone he was doing it.</p>
<p>Ozai looked a bit too delighted to finally see him again. It had been a while, for good reason. “Zuko,” he acknowledged.</p>
<p>“Ozai,” he replied coldly. “It’s Firelord Zuko now.”</p>
<p>His father laughed. “As if the weakest firebender in the family deserves that title.”</p>
<p><em>You can’t even bend anymore,</em> he was tempted to snap back, but held his tongue out of habit. Why was he still afraid of this man? Still determined to please him? Zuko had all the power now — and yet on some level, he still didn’t.</p>
<p>“I need to talk to you.”</p>
<p>“Go on, then.” He looked almost amused.</p>
<p>“Um, well, I — it’s just—” Zuko hesitated. “This is harder than I expected. Being Firelord. I don’t know how to do this. I can’t trust anyone anymore — that’s why I’m coming to you, since I already know where you stand.” He flinched, instinctively opening his mouth to take that back and apologize before reminding himself that he didn’t have to.</p>
<p>Ozai’s raucous laughter unnerved him, and he unconsciously took a step back. “Of course it’s hard for <em>you</em>,” his father hissed, humor fading from his expression. “Why do you think I didn’t want you as my heir? You’ve always been weak. You’ve never been as capable as your sister, or as I was at your age.”</p>
<p>Tears burned at Zuko’s good eye, and he blinked them away as best he could. He should have expected this, really, but he was never ready for it and never would be.</p>
<p>“Now you can see, though. You can see that I was right, and that maybe you should learn some respect and listen to your father for once in your life.”</p>
<p>He tried to steady his nerves. <em>It’s okay. He can’t hurt you anymore. Breathe. </em>“I did nothing but listen to you for sixteen years and you still abused me.” He felt almost ashamed saying it out loud, like he was being stupid and making a big deal out of nothing — which was ridiculous because he <em>knew</em> it had been wrong, but he couldn’t shake the feeling.</p>
<p>“You can’t be serious.”</p>
<p>With a familiar sense of humiliation rising, Zuko wasn’t sure how to respond.</p>
<p>“You’re lucky I cared enough to bother. I was patient with you, and if you’d only tried harder you might have earned what your sister had.”</p>
<p>“I did try! I tried as hard as I could!” He felt like a helpless child again, and he wanted to scream, or cry, or hit something. <em>It’s not fair. It’s not fair!</em> “Azula never <em>has</em> to try!”</p>
<p>“So you admit your sister is superior to you.”</p>
<p>“I know that! I know she is! I don’t understand why you hate me so much! You could have just ignored me. You could have made Azula Crown Princess and just left me alone, you didn’t have to—”</p>
<p>Ozai lunged at him.</p>
<p><em>“No!”</em> Of course, the bars stopped him, but not before Zuko had stumbled and fallen backward in terror, shaking and practically hyperventilating for several seconds. Tears streamed down his face on the side that still had functioning tear ducts, and he was painfully aware for the millionth time of who had done this to him.</p>
<p>He wanted to say something, wanted to get to his feet and grab his dignity back with some sharp retort, but he had nothing. He was still in fight-or-flight mode, and fighting Ozai was always out of the question, because even now he couldn’t seem to win.</p>
<p>Zuko scrambled toward the door and darted out of the room, ignoring his father’s laughter behind him.</p>
<p>Back in his own bedroom that night, he huddled beside the bed, even less able to sleep than usual. He was behind the bed, from the perspective of the door — close to the ground, hidden behind or beneath something, a slightly less immediate target. Hiding under things remained his first impulse under a certain kind of stress, the kind his father and sister had instilled in him for years.</p>
<p>His sister.</p>
<p>Ozai was right; Azula was better than him. She would have made a better Firelord if she hadn’t lost her mind — a crueler one, but a more efficient one. He didn’t want to copy his family’s cruel streak, but he lacked their experience, and he needed advice.</p>
<p>Maybe she would be easier to talk to.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Azula wanted blood.</p>
<p>No one paid attention to her indignant cries any longer, so they played on a frustrated loop in her own mind instead. <em>Let me out of here at once! I am your rightful Firelord! You can’t do this to me!</em></p>
<p>She’d won. She’d won the Agni Kai, and yet she’d still lost her crown, thanks to her traitorous brother’s fraternizing with the enemy. How could the people of the Fire Nation even stand to see him on the throne after all he’d done against them?</p>
<p>The traitors Mai and Ty Lee had dared to come and see her imprisoned here. At first she’d screamed and lashed out at them, and then refused to speak to them for weeks, but they were oddly persistent, and she soon realized they might someday be of use to her again.</p>
<p>That allowed her to speak to them plenty, imitating sweetness as she strove to regain their trust quickly — but never to really tell them anything.</p>
<p>She couldn’t talk to them about how frightened she was of the things she kept seeing and hearing and being told weren’t real. How could no one else see what was going on? Why wouldn’t anyone believe her?</p>
<p>No one would understand. The only person who could even come close, who even knew the details necessary to begin, was sitting on a stolen throne while she sat in what was effectively a prison cell as far as she was concerned.</p>
<p>Azula wanted to kill him more than ever. Her stupid, pathetic, traitor of a brother. How were they even related?</p>
<p>Well, clearly he took after his mother. She took after her father, obviously. All the best genes had gone to her; she’d inherited the strength and intelligence and firebending power and military prowess of Firelord Ozai. What had <em>Zuko</em> gotten? What good qualities did he have to speak of that she didn’t have tenfold?</p>
<p>None, of course. So why was she here, and he there? It wasn’t right. It didn’t make sense, and it wasn’t fair.</p>
<p>
  <em>This is her doing. It must be.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> She always did love him best.</em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Azula was surprised at how much it surprised her when her brother finally did come to see her.</p>
<p>Caught off guard at first, she just sat there while he talked at her, saying things she wasn’t processing as she tried to process the <em>why</em>.</p>
<p>Why was he here? Why did he want to talk to her? Why wasn’t he gloating, or yelling, or threatening?</p>
<p>All she knew was that just looking at him started an all-consuming rage boiling under her skin. <em>I hate you. I hate you. I fucking hate you both.</em></p>
<p>He, and Ursa, and her old friends, had conspired with the enemy to take everything from her, and now no one was stopping him from running <em>her</em> country into the ground. Everyone was just letting the traitors walk around freely, and <em>she</em>, who had done everything right, was a damaged thing to be locked away and pitied.</p>
<p>“Azula…” he was saying. “I think we need each other.”</p>
<p>“I want nothing to do with you,” she snarled. “Get. Out.”</p>
<p>“Azula, please. You’re my sister. We’re family. No one else understands.”</p>
<p>“Leave or I’ll kill you.”</p>
<p>Foolishly, Zuko reached a hand out toward her, and she breathed blue fire at him as hard as she could.</p>
<p>With a noise of pain and betrayal, he jerked his hand away, and she smiled to herself, eyes closing in satisfaction.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Zuko clutched helplessly at his burned arm — she’d gotten way more than just the hand, and her fire did so much more damage in less time than anyone else’s.</p>
<p>“There,” Azula said softly. “In case you needed a reminder who you stole the crown from. In case you forgot who the rightful Firelord is.” She turned to look at him, gold eyes blazing with resentment. “You’re a traitor and a liar, and history will not forgive you.”</p>
<p>Zuko ran for his life.</p>
<p>He was rushed back to the palace, and the injury was treated immediately, but it was fairly severe. <em>I wish Katara were here,</em> was all he could think as the doctors did the best they could with his burn. The arm would be painful and virtually useless for days, if not weeks.</p>
<p>It hit him that he was going to have a third huge, noticeable scar from a family member now, and he struggled not to start crying again. He couldn’t risk it in front of anyone else.</p>
<p>He should have known better than to go to Azula.</p>
<p>It <em>hurt</em>. It hurt so badly — and as if that pain wasn’t enough, it was an inescapable reminder of all the torture that had come before it.</p>
<p>For the first time in years, Zuko was aware of being completely alone in the world, and that almost hurt worse than the burn.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here<br/>Someday burns down<br/>And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away<br/>And I never come back to this town again<br/>In my life</i>
</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few days had passed since he saw Azula, and Zuko was just numb.</p><p>More and more, he thought about ending it. The pain, both physical and emotional, was too much to bear any longer.</p><p>It wasn’t too long before he found himself alone in his room with a knife and a dangerous impulse.</p><p>Sitting on the rug, Zuko turned the knife over in his hands for a moment before pressing the tip to his stomach. He would die with honor.</p><p><em>You’re not a warrior,</em> a voice in the back of his mind insisted. <em>You’re the leader of the Fire Nation. </em>He hesitated. This wasn’t an honorable death for a Firelord, was it?</p><p>Of course it was. He was just afraid. He knew how much it would hurt, and he was too weak to bear it.</p><p>
  <em>Coward.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Rise and fight—</em>
</p><p>Zuko nearly dropped the knife, catching it with shaking hands as the memory washed over him like gasoline on an already out-of-control fire.</p><p>
  <em>I’m not a coward.</em>
</p><p>“I’m not a coward,” he said aloud, unsure who he was trying to convince. He wasn’t afraid of the pain. He <em>wasn’t</em>.</p><p>What hurt more than being burned alive?</p><p>Zuko set the room ablaze. Everything that could possibly catch fire was kindling now. The crackle of flames, the smell of smoke, the oppressive heat gathering in the room… it made him feel sick, but he pushed that aside. He sat down on the floor near a side of the bed not yet burning, externally calm and internally almost numb. He would wait for the fire to come to him — it wouldn’t be long now, surely.</p><p>It wasn’t that he was too afraid to just get it over with, too cowardly to deliver the final blow directly. It <em>wasn’t</em>. This was just a last moment to think.</p><p>It was fitting, wasn’t it? A death in fire, like a phoenix. Like a Firelord who knew his time had come.</p><p>There would be no rebirth for him, though. This was the end.</p><p>Zuko closed his eyes, ignoring the tears streaming down his face and the tight pains gathering in his chest and throat. <em>I want to die. I deserve to die. I need to die.</em></p><p>It was almost over.</p><p>The flames licked at his legs, and he refused to cry out in pain. <em>Show no weakness,</em> he ordered himself.<em> Try to at least die with the honor you couldn’t find in life.</em></p><p>The door burst open.</p><p>
  <em>“Firelord Zuko!”</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Concerned guards had quickly put out the fires and helped him to the infirmary, despite his (weaker than usual) insistence that he was fine. While the burns on his legs were taken care of — they stung, but were nothing compared to the one his father had given him as a child or even the recent one from his sister — he drifted off to sleep.</p><p>When Zuko awoke, it was with a jolt of panic.</p><p>As he remembered what he had done, he felt a deep shame.</p><p>There was no honor in it. He had almost abandoned his country because he was too weak to be a ruler.</p><p>And who would have taken the throne if he had died? Not Azula, certainly, and he had no other family to speak of yet — no heirs, no Firelady, not even a cousin whom he might have left his crown to.</p><p>Either Uncle would have had to step in and leave behind the simple, peaceful life he had wanted, or someone still loyal to Ozai would have broken him out of prison and reinstated him. That was the harsh truth of it. Either his uncle would have had to put his own happiness aside for the good of the nation, and Zuko knew he would, or his father would have been back on the throne before Iroh got the chance. There were people still loyal to Ozai, even in his own court — just waiting to strike.</p><p>Or perhaps some new tyrant would have risen up. Some general might have claimed the crown for himself instead — after all, Ozai had no bending now, and what was a Firelord who couldn’t firebend?</p><p>No one could know about this failure. It had been a foolish lapse in judgment, but it would not happen again. The nation could not afford that.</p><p>Quickly, he spread the lie that he had merely been practicing his firebending — admittedly somewhat recklessly, but he wanted to be at his strongest to face any would-be assassins, and sometimes risks had to be taken to improve — meditating and attempting to bring the chaotic flames under control. He had done it in his room alone to avoid being told he couldn’t risk it by over-worried guards, knowing most of his things could be replaced easily if they caught fire.</p><p>The story was simple enough. He only hoped it was believable.</p>
<hr/><p>Two days later, he found out that Azula had escaped the asylum, leaving a couple of rooms burned and a few nurses injured.</p><p>Thankfully she was found easily enough, due largely to his insistence and influence. Within twelve hours or so, she was apprehended — seemingly on her way to the palace, he was told, and cold dread shot through every nerve in his body.</p><p>She’d been coming for him, or for Ozai, and he wasn’t sure which was worse.</p><p>At least Azula had clearly lost her old knack for stealth if she was caught so quickly. Zuko was sure she still hadn’t been easy to pin down, but didn’t want the details. He didn’t want to know if his sister had killed anyone, or if they’d had to hurt her.</p><p>Moved to a much higher-security room, she was now restrained almost all the time. Reportedly, she was not doing well at all. It was nearly as bad as when she’d first been brought to the institution.</p><p>Zuko decided to pay her another visit.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>I hope I lie<br/>And tell everyone you were a good wife<br/>And I hope you die<br/>I hope we both die</i>
</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Azula was heavily restrained this time, straightjacketed and bound to a chair, but her mouth was still free. Zuko kept his distance, and kept his guards with him.</p><p>She wouldn’t speak to him. Not a word. She didn’t even acknowledge his presence. Faint tear tracks stained her cheeks, and her eyes were slightly reddened. Though she didn’t cry in front of him, he could see that she had.</p><p>How miserable must she be? The only other time he’d seen his sister cry, <em>ever</em> (not counting times she’d faked it to get him in more trouble), was after the Agni Kai. Zuko risked a step closer, and she just turned her face away from him as much as possible, shoulders slumped in defeat.</p><p>He sat there with his little sister for a while, trying to get something, <em>anything,</em> out of her, but she wouldn’t respond.</p><p>“I’ll be back,” he promised her when he left. And he was, again and again, determined to make some sort of connection with the last person who might be able to understand what he was going through.</p><p>Weeks passed, and gradually, Azula began snapping at him again, though thankfully not with fire. Soon enough she was lecturing him, then asking him questions about current events, then complaining to him, as she became more and more resigned to his presence.</p><p>They were establishing a truce of sorts — one as tense and unstable as the parties involved, but a truce nonetheless.</p>
<hr/><p>It wasn’t long before Zuko felt ready to confide in his sister, like he’d hoped to be able to from the start. “Azula, I need your advice.”</p><p>“Don’t think you’re going to get it for free.”</p><p>Ignoring what he assumed was her attempt at a joke, he continued. “Being the Firelord has been… more difficult than I expected. I was hoping maybe you could—”</p><p>“Well, no surprise there. You’re a miserable, pathetic failure, and it’s a mistake to even have you on the throne. You’re the weakest in our family. I can’t believe this country would recognize someone like <em>you</em> as Firelord, but I suppose commoners are ignorant.”</p><p>
  <em>Like father, like daughter.</em>
</p><p>He tried to ignore it. “Azula… I think I’m going mad.”</p><p>She laughed, a bitter, hollow sound. “Haven’t you got enough problems of your own? Do you need to copy mine, too?”</p><p>“I’m not. I can feel myself falling apart — my mind is unraveling, I can’t even think straight, I see things that aren’t there—”</p><p>“You’re sleep-deprived, you idiot.”</p><p>“I don’t think that’s all it is. I’ve been sleep-deprived before, and—”</p><p>“Sleep deprivation and stress, then.” She shrugged. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re not losing your mind. You have no idea what this feels like.” Scowling, she lifted her glare to meet his eye, gold piercing through near-identical gold. “You have all the sob stories in this family. No wonder everyone feels sorry for you. But this one is <em>mine</em>, and don’t you fucking touch it.”</p><p>“Azula, it’s not a competition.” Unable to keep the disgust and anger out of his tone, he added, “And don’t tell me you’re <em>jealous</em> our father almost killed me twice.”</p><p>“I’m not jealous,” she said matter-of-factly. “I’m just saying, this isn’t your story. <em>I’m</em> the crazy one. You can have your own pathetic tragic backstory that makes all your little friends and your stupid traitor uncle feel sorry for you, <em>without</em> imitating mine.”</p><p>“I’m not trying to copy you!” he snapped. “Insanity runs in families sometimes. You never know what could happen.”</p><p>“Yes, you never know,” she agreed. “Perhaps you should be thinking about who will inherit the throne upon your death.”</p><p>Zuko tried to ignore the cold spike of fear her words provoked. “I don’t need to marry and have kids right away. I’m still young.”</p><p>“Always the optimist.” Her laugh was deeply unsettling. “We both know you’ll be picked off by an assassin any day now, Zuzu. And when the inevitable does happen, well… why not leave something to your dear sister?”</p><p>“Okay, that’s it. I’m leaving.”</p><p>“Wait!” He turned back to see a wild, desperate look in her eyes. “Why are you keeping me here — why not just kill me? What do you want?”</p><p>He sighed. “You’re here so you can get the help you need. I want you to get better.”</p><p>“Liar. You want something from me.” For once, that familiar calculating expression was almost more sad than frightening, as he knew there was nothing there for it to find. “Did she send you?”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Our <em>mother</em>.” She spat the word like a curse.</p><p>“Azula, what are you talking about?”</p><p>She hissed angrily at him, and the thin jets of blue that accompanied it were enough to flip some primal switch in his brain that screamed <em>run </em>— so he did.</p>
<hr/><p>He didn’t remember how he had gotten back to the palace. It was all a blur, but here he was now: lying in bed bonelessly, exhausted to the core.</p><p>Had he said anything too obvious? Zuko hoped he hadn’t broken down in front of anyone. There was no remainder of soreness in his throat to indicate he’d been screaming or crying, and no trace of tears on his cheek.</p><p>Most likely, he had just shut down, which could be damaging too, but not as terrible. He only hoped he’d remembered to respond when spoken to.</p><p>A sharp knock at the door startled him, and he wanted to sit up and scramble into presentability and let them in, but he couldn’t move.</p><p>“Zuko?” <em>Suki’s voice.</em> “It’s Suki and Ty Lee. Can we come in?”</p><p>Why couldn’t he even summon the energy to tell them to leave?</p><p>“Firelord Zuko? Are you alright?” She sounded worried. <em>I’m sorry.</em></p><p>No answer.</p><p>“We’re coming in,” she announced, and as the door swung open, Zuko did the only thing he could still manage to keep the walls between them up — he closed his eyes.</p><p>“Oh shit, he’s asleep. Oops.” Ty Lee’s barely contained whisper would have surely woken him up if he had actually been asleep, but they didn’t need to know that.</p><p>“Yeah, I guess he’s just completely dead from earlier,” Suki whispered, and he could hear her quietly moving closer. “He pretty much shut down after his visit today — barely spoke to anyone.” She sighed. “His crazy sister wants to kill him. I don’t know why he keeps going back there, but I can’t stop him.”</p><p>Zuko kept his face neutral, muscles relaxed, breathing even and eyes shut.</p><p>“Should we take his shoes off and everything?” Ty Lee asked, clearly needing something to do.</p><p>“Sure, go ahead.”</p><p>Ty Lee deftly removed his shoes, then his crown, hands so quick and light he might really have slept through it. She then let his hair down, nimble fingers combing through it for a moment.</p><p>Suki moved toward the small table beside the bed, putting out the light there, and then began doing the same to the others around the room. “I’m worried about him,” she said quietly.</p><p>“Yeah, me too. He’s been giving off really weird energy lately.” Zuko felt a soft blanket cover him, and heard Ty Lee’s footsteps half-skipping away from the bed as she headed over to Suki. “I think he might just be really stressed out — like, it’s kind of a super toxic environment for him with all the assassins and negotiations and his screwed-up family still around. It’s really messing with his aura.”</p><p>Suki said something he couldn’t hear in response, and he realized with disappointment that they were heading for the door.</p><p>So it was obvious. They knew.</p><p>Who else knew?</p><p>A sharp pang of loneliness struck him as he suddenly realized how badly he wanted to talk to someone the way Suki and Ty Lee had talked to each other. It was such a stupid, simple thing to miss: friendship. Zuko hadn’t even had friends until he was sixteen, and had only gotten to really experience what it was like for a few months before everything changed again. Back in the palace now, back in the Fire Nation, he should be happy — but he was just so lonely.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow<br/>I hope it bleeds all day long<br/>Our friends say it’s darkest before the sun rises<br/>We’re pretty sure they’re all wrong</i>
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          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a simple enough system. One cut for every mistake.</p><p>The impulse had struck Zuko one morning while shaving. He couldn’t even really say what prompted him to do it, but he numbly brought the razor to his unburned wrist (the other arm was still raw and painful underneath layers of bandaging).</p><p>By the time what he was doing had really sunk in, he was staring at three neat, shallow slices across his forearm. Blood welled up from them, slowly at first, in little beads of dark red.</p><p>His first reaction set the tone for weeks to come: <em>Yeah, I deserve that.</em></p><p>Every time Zuko misspoke in a meeting, or showed up late, or received an upset-sounding letter from one of his old friends, or flinched in front of someone, or cried, or wasted time by sleeping too much, or couldn’t sleep enough to function, or saw a flash of his father in the mirror, or missed his mother too much, or made a decision that turned out poorly, or lost an argument, or was too aggressive, or noticed himself getting even thinner, or felt his firebending weakening… every time he did anything that added fuel to the ever-burning fire of self-hatred inside him, he made sure to punish himself for it as soon as he got the chance.</p><p>The cuts stopped being so neat as they piled up and overlapped, and stopped being so shallow as he got more and more accustomed to driving a blade through his own skin.</p><p>He never let anyone see them, of course. That would have been disastrous — though he supposed he could find a plausible lie if he had to, he would rather not have to. Better to avoid suspicion entirely than to let rumors of his infirmity spread.</p><p>Absolutely no one could know.</p><hr/><p>“Why did you cut yourself?” Azula asked almost immediately as her brother sat down across from her, making Zuko glad he’d already asked the nurses and his guards to leave. Self-consciously, he tugged the sleeve that had slipped slightly upward back down.</p><p>It surprised him less that she was still so unnervingly perceptive, and more that she <em>cared</em>.</p><p>“I mean, really, why do you still bother playing with knives, Zuzu? You’re a firebender. Act like one, or you don’t deserve the throne.”</p><p>
  <em>Oh. Of course.</em>
</p><p>Zuko was staring at the floor in shame, and it startled him to feel a sudden hand around his wrist, nails digging painfully into the barely-scabbed-over cuts. Glancing up, he saw that Azula had somehow slipped an arm out of her straightjacket.</p><p>Of course she had.</p><p>“Azula, let go of me,” he ordered, trying to conceal the fear he felt.</p><p>“You don’t deserve the throne,” she repeated.</p><p>There were still restraints binding her to the chair, but she could break them in an instant now if she wanted to. She was going to kill him. She was going to murder him right here, and he was just <em>frozen</em>.</p><p>Suddenly, he felt heat against his forearm, beneath her hand — then pain.</p><p>“No! Let me go!” He leapt to his feet, trying to pull away, but her grip matched her iron will and he was weak with fear.</p><p>“Don’t scream too loudly, Zuzu. Not if you want to keep seeing me.”</p><p>Zuko gritted his teeth, body tense with agony as he stifled a scream.</p><p>Azula pulled her hand away. “There. Much better.”</p><p>Half focused on his burned arm, half glazed over in shock, Zuko’s good eye welled up with tears. “Thank you,” he whispered hoarsely. “Thank you.”</p><p>His sister smiled, coldly as ever, and he wanted to hug her for it somehow. “Of course, Zuzu. Anytime.”</p><p>Undoubtedly, she had held back. Azula could have burned through to the bone and then some if she’d wanted to, but hadn’t gone deeper than the skin. The goal was clearly pain over damage, much like it was for the cuts he inflicted on himself.</p><p>Even if the two of them hated each other, they were the only ones that could really understand each other. No one else knew quite what it was like to grow up under Firelord Ozai’s careful eyes and careless hands. Their friends all had some spark of happiness and hope inside that hadn’t been entirely stomped out yet.</p><p>Zuko wasn’t sure where his own spark had gone lately. He’d thought there was some hope left in him, too, despite everything, but it had faded in recent months if it had ever existed at all. Happiness felt oddly like a distant memory now, and he wasn’t sure where it had ever come from to begin with. He felt somehow trapped, blocked from ever reaching it again, and he didn’t know why.</p><p>He couldn’t lose this with Azula. She was smiling. She felt <em>something </em>here, even if it was purely sadistic. And maybe it wasn’t — maybe she really wanted to help, and this was the only way she knew how.</p><p>Whatever the reason, if she wanted to burn him, he would let her.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>I hope it stays dark forever<br/>I hope the worst isn’t over<br/>And I hope you blink before I do<br/>And I hope I never get sober</i>
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          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Azula no longer wore the straightjacket for Zuko’s visits, and he no longer wore his formal clothes for them either. It felt almost like old times, if they just shut out the outside world and focused only on each other.</p><p>They both made good distractions. Erratic, unpredictable… <em>mad.</em> Sick. Damaged.</p><p>So much in common.</p><p>She was getting bolder and bolder in the absence of her restraints, until one day she crossed a line — a line so deeply drawn, he hadn’t even given thought to its existence until she overstepped it.</p><p>Sitting in his lap, arms around him, she pressed a kiss to his lips and then his neck, moving her hips against his.</p><p>After a moment of shock, Zuko snapped back to the present with horror. “What are you doing?! Azula, stop!” He tried to push her off of him, but even in her current state she was deadly strong — and he was clearly out of practice, not to mentioned weakened by perpetual hunger and exhaustion.</p><p>“Are you in any position to make demands of someone who could kill you right here and now?”</p><p>“I could say the same to you.” <em>It would probably be a lie, but I could say it.</em></p><p>“As if,” she spat. “You lost the Agni Kai. It’s not my fault you cheated to win. I should be the Firelord right now, and you should be dead!”</p><p>His breath hitched in what might have been a sob if he’d allowed it to be.</p><p>“Don’t you love me, Zuzu?”</p><p>“You’re my <em>sister</em>.”</p><p>“And yet you’re already enjoying yourself.”</p><p>“It’s just friction,” he replied through gritted teeth, humiliation burning through him anyway. “Get off of me or I’ll call the guards.”</p><p>Her eyes lit up at that. “Oh, do you want me to call the guards?”</p><p>Panic shot through him, childhood fear returning instinctively. “Azula, please—”</p><p>“Do you want me to call the guards right now, Zuzu?”</p><p>He took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. “No.”</p><p>“Then do you want to be quiet and do what I tell you to?”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“I can scream right now if you’d rather.”</p><p>“What would the guards do to <em>me</em>?” he realized embarrassingly late. “I’m the Firelord. They won’t listen to you anyway.”</p><p>“They’ll find me attacking you, and I’ll be too dangerous for you to see anymore. They won’t let anyone near me if I keep lashing out, least of all someone so <em>important</em>.”</p><p>“No! I love you.” His voice wavered, heavy with tears yet to fall. “I don’t want to leave you. You’re all I have left. I love you so much, Azula.”</p><p>She looked almost <em>angry</em> for a moment, then disgusted, before settling back into a cruel grin. “Then prove it.”</p><p>Thoughts racing, Zuko hesitated for a long moment, and she watched him with an odd expression and an uncharacteristic patience. “Okay,” he said finally.</p><p>He kissed her like he meant it, and some part of him wondered if he did.</p>
<hr/><p>Zuko felt sick afterward.</p><p>Immediately, the moment he was sure he could escape without getting burned to ash, he scrambled for the door, hearing her laughter echo behind him as he ran down the hall.</p><p>“Your Majesty, is something wrong?” one of his guards asked, hurrying after him as they made their way to the exit.</p><p>Zuko slowed his pace, trying to calm down. “No, everything’s fine.” That was too obvious a lie. “I’m just — I worry about my sister, that’s all,” he amended. “She hasn’t been violent at all” — the burns on his body and the pain in his heart begged to differ — “but she’s just so frightened and delusional.”</p><p>“It’s truly tragic, Your Majesty,” she said politely.</p><p>“Tell me about it. Whatever she’s seeing seems to terrify her… I certainly hope <em>I</em> never go mad.” He forced a laugh at that, not wanting to make it seem like a real possibility. If they knew how much his sanity was slipping, the whole nation would be in jeopardy, not to mention his position on the throne.</p>
<hr/><p>With her brother gone, Azula scratched aimlessly at the floor of her room with unkempt nails, more nervous than usual.</p><p>He would come around, right?</p><p>Wasn’t this how you made a man show you affection? Wasn’t that what it took?</p><p>She squeezed her eyes shut, body trembling with emotion. She never had the words for <em>what</em> emotion she was feeling, unless it was something extremely obvious, and right now she was confused.</p><p>Azula didn’t believe for a minute that what her brother had been showing her thus far was true affection. If he really cared, he would have let her come home by now. Clearly, he was using her — for what, exactly, she couldn’t be sure, but she suspected their mother was involved — and it was high time she used him back.</p><p>So she had, and he’d run at the first chance he’d gotten, looking horrified. He’d begged her not to make him do this. <em>Too bad, Zuzu. If I had to, you have to.</em></p><p>He had kissed her. Some part of him seemed to have wanted her. Maybe now he would take her back, let her come home, stop toying with her and start loving her.</p><p>Maybe not.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>And I hope when you think of me years down the line<br/>You can’t find one good thing to say<br/>And I’d hope that if I found the strength to walk out<br/>You’d stay the hell out of my way</i>
</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The night was quiet, but Zuko’s mind was still far too loud.</p><p>He knew what he had to do. He couldn’t take this anymore.</p><p>Not ready to die yet, but needing an escape, he began packing his things. Dressing in all black, he took his dual swords, some food, a change of clothes, and a blanket — that was enough for now. He could get more if he had to.</p><p>He tucked his new Blue Spirit mask into his pack. He’d replaced it secretly and easily enough some months ago — perhaps out of nostalgia, or perhaps he had known it might be useful again one day.</p><p>
  <em>I’m never coming back here. I can’t.</em>
</p><p>It wasn't like Zuko could really go anywhere to start over, not when he had such an obvious identifying mark on his face — but he could make a life for himself out in the shadows, stealing what he needed to get by and waiting for the courage to either end his pathetic existence or return to face his responsibilities.</p><p>The thought of having to come back terrified him, but he was scared to die, too.</p><p>It wasn’t that he wanted to stay alive, only that he was afraid of death. That combination created a trapped feeling, invisible walls crushing in on him constantly — he didn’t want to do this anymore, but the only way out that he could fathom in his current state seemed like a step too far. It was something you couldn’t take back, and since Zuko never trusted his own decisions, he didn’t like the idea of not being able to back out of something if it turned out to be a mistake.</p><p>It was true that he’d tried to kill himself before — what had it been, weeks ago? months? he was losing track of time — but now he couldn’t bring himself to try again. He had felt too much regret after, even if it was only out of a sense of obligation and guilt.</p><p>For now, he just had to get away. From everything.</p><p>What would be the easiest way to sneak out of the palace unnoticed?</p><p>He was climbing out the window when a sharp knock at his door startled him, nearly causing him to fall. Heart pounding and adrenaline coursing through him, he clung to the side of the window for dear life, one knee still on the sill.</p><p>“Firelord Zuko?” came a quiet voice.</p><p>
  <em>Oh shit. Shit shit shit, now what?</em>
</p><p>“Um, everything okay in there, Your Majesty?”</p><p>His first instinct was to hurry out the window faster, but then he realized that if they entered and saw him gone, he might be searched for and caught quickly. Then he thought he should hurry back inside, greet them, and send them on their way before leaving, but realized he was still dressed rather suspiciously and carrying a pack of his things.</p><p>It struck him for a moment how ironic it was that he felt like an escaping prisoner even now that he was the Firelord, and then the door opened.</p><p>Ty Lee looked understandably surprised to see him halfway out of the window. “Zuko? What are you doing?”</p><p>“Nothing,” he said lamely.</p><p>“Suuure.” Closing the door behind her, she entered the room and sat down on his bed like they were old friends, which he guessed was true in some sense. “Can you please tell me what’s going on?”</p><p>With a heavy sigh, he realized he didn’t have much choice now. “Give me a second.” He hurried back inside and shut the window, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.</p><p>“Zuko, I promise we’re gonna protect you from the assassins, and your dad’s not going anywhere.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“So why are you trying to leave?”</p><p>“I wasn’t—” She gave him a <em>look</em>, and he gave up. “I don’t know.”</p><p>“If you need to talk to someone—”</p><p>“I don’t!” he snapped. Her face fell, and Zuko cursed himself internally. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you, I’m just… tired. Thanks for your concern, but I’m really fine.”</p><p>“Zuko…”</p><p>“I need to get to sleep, and I’m sure you do too.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“I’m not going to leave.”</p><p>“Promise?”</p><p>“If you promise not to tell anyone about this.”</p><p>Ty Lee looked unsure for a moment. “Okay,” she said finally, standing to leave. “Goodnight, Zuko. I hope you feel better soon.”</p><p>He returned her smile automatically, without any real emotion. “Thank you, Ty Lee. Goodnight.” <em>I won’t.</em></p><p>As he lay there unable to sleep, Zuko realized that he had only one means of escape left. It was reckless and stupid and undoubtedly dangerous, but he was long past the point of caring about any of that.</p><p>After his visit to Azula tomorrow, he would finally bring her home.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>I am drowning<br/>There is no sign of land<br/>You are coming down with me<br/>Hand in unlovable hand<br/>And I hope you die<br/>I hope we both die</i>
</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once back at the palace, Azula was quick to take over, to Zuko’s relief and nearly everyone else’s horror. Not wanting to have to argue his decision, he refused to see Suki or Ty Lee, avoiding them whenever possible and ignoring them when not.</p><p>His abdication of the throne and Azula’s coronation would be in a few days’ time.</p><p>Zuko knew he was handing his people over to a lunatic, he <em>knew</em> Azula was scarcely better than she had been months ago — and despite it all, he felt sure that she would be a better Firelord than he could ever be. Anyone would be better than him, really, but especially his prodigy sister. It didn’t matter that she was cruel, or a liar, or terrifying; it only mattered that she was smarter and stronger and a better firebender and a more capable leader than he could ever hope to be.</p><p>It was rather surprising that she, with her usual paranoid impatience, was willing to wait even a few days to be crowned, but somehow she didn’t seem bothered by it.</p><hr/><p>Azula couldn’t have cared less that her brother wasn’t crowning her right away, because it was incredibly obvious he wasn’t going to change his mind — and anyone else who wanted to depose her from the throne would be just as much of a problem once she was on it as they were while she was awaiting her coronation.</p><p>This planned transfer of power hadn’t been formally announced to the public yet. Perhaps there would be whispers heard, rumors, but no more. Her brother’s advisors had insisted he wait as long as possible to reveal his decision.</p><p>She didn’t know whether that was because they feared riots, or because they were ashamed of her, or because they wanted time to persuade Zuko to reconsider, and she didn’t much care. Soon enough they would be under her command, and any disloyalty would be quickly snuffed out.</p><p>Zuko was clearly a total mess. There was virtually no way he would change his mind about this, and no scenario in which he stood a chance against her even if he did.</p><hr/><p>“You’ve made the right decision, you know,” Azula said calmly as she slipped into her pajamas. “History may look on you with a bit more kindness now — at least you were smart enough to acknowledge your own weakness.”</p><p>“Where will I go?” he said hoarsely, as the weight of his decision suddenly sunk in. Where could he possibly go to run from the shame of his failure as Firelord?</p><p>She laughed. “You’ll be my Firelady, of course. It’s fitting. Just like your mother, you may not be of much use yourself, but you can give the Firelord an heir of greater worth.”</p><p>“Azula, you aren’t seriously suggesting I <em>marry</em> you.” It was true that royals sometimes consolidated power in strange ways, and normal rules didn’t really apply to them… but there was still a difference between marrying a cousin and a <em>sibling</em>. Their people would not approve, and with good reason.</p><p>“First of all, it’s hardly a <em>suggestion</em>, Zuzu. And I thought you’d be grateful.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>Azula sighed mock-dramatically. “Oh, apology accepted.” She ruffled his hair, a gesture that might have been sweet in some other context with some other person. “I can’t fault you for being an idiot. I know who I’m choosing to marry, after all.” The meaning behind her words was clear: <em>This is my decision. You have no say in it.</em></p><p>And he really didn’t. She was the Firelord now, after all — well, not quite yet, but she would be soon enough.</p><p>Nausea almost overwhelmed Zuko as he got into bed beside his sister. They had been… <em>intimate</em> a total of three times now, and he knew she was about to pressure him for another. How had they become like this? How had he let this happen?</p><p>As expected, she reached a hand between his legs, and he shoved it away. “I’m tired.”</p><p>Trying a different approach, she attempted to pull one of his hands toward her. “Touch me.”</p><p>“<em>No.</em> Go to sleep, Azula.”</p><p>“Fine.” She turned her back to him, and he did the same to her. “Fair enough. After the wedding, then.”</p><p>In complete and haunting silence, both siblings cried themselves to sleep.</p><hr/><p>“What the hell do you think you’re doing with my daughter?” The sound of Ozai’s voice shocked Zuko awake instantly.</p><p>“What—” was all he had time to get out before his father grabbed him by the throat.</p><p>“How dare you assault a member of the royal family?!” The irony there might have been a twisted kind of funny if Zuko could even fucking <em>breathe</em>.</p><p>Azula was standing behind Ozai with an oddly jarring look of helplessness that only her father could bring out of her. “Dad, he didn’t make me do anything! This was my idea! I know he's a weak and foolish coward, but he shares the blood of Sozin and Roku, so there have to be some decent genes in there somewhere, right? And I figured being made Firelady isn’t exactly a terrible consolation prize for willingly abdicating the throne, so—”</p><p>“Silence!” Before he could process what was happening, Zuko had been thrown to the floor roughly. He lay there trembling and gasping for breath, as Ozai <em>who was supposed to be in prison </em>continued to berate him. “You ruined her! You’ve destroyed my daughter!”</p><p>“Father, I am not <em>ruined</em>!” The sheer desperation in her voice pierced Zuko’s heart in spite of everything she had done to him. “I am still perfectly capable of serving as Firelord!”</p><p>“You’re a pathetic, broken madwoman.”</p><p>“No, I’m not! How can you treat me like this when <em>he’s</em> right there?!” She gestured furiously at Zuko, a wild, frantic look in her eyes, and he flinched. “<em>He’s</em> your failure, not me! He’s the broken, pathetic, crazy one, and you know it! I haven’t done anything wro—”</p><p>Zuko didn’t know whether he or Azula was more stunned by Ozai backhanding her across the face.</p><p>She stumbled backward, all the fight knocked out of her as she reached a hand up to her mouth and nose, looking dazed.</p><p>Their father had never laid a hand on Azula. She was his pride and joy, his perfect prodigy heir, nothing like Zuko. She was always the standard he had been held to, and if she was now being treated like this… it was a miracle Zuko wasn’t already dead.</p><p>Somehow, he staggered to his feet. “There are two of us and one of you.” Flames appearing above each hand, he added, “And you can’t bend. We can.”</p><p>Ozai’s furious glare was a sign that Zuko was winning — but it couldn’t last, not with this man. “Do you really think I’m afraid of you?”</p><p>“I think you are, or you wouldn’t be trying to intimidate me.”</p><p>“Very well. What’s your plan, then? Throw me back in jail so you can keep tearing apart my country and fucking my daughter?”</p><p>Zuko cringed at that, flames extinguishing at his disgust with himself. “You know she’s crazy. She forced me into this, I wanted no part of it.”</p><p>“Oh, really. She <em>forced</em> you.” Ozai laughed. “Tell me how exactly <em>that</em> would work.”</p><p>“I—” <em>He’s right. I went along with it, I let her do it… I liked it.</em> “I don’t—”</p><p>“You know, it really is a lucky thing for you that I can’t firebend anymore, isn’t it?” With a smirk, he reached a hand up to Zuko’s face, placing it over his scar.</p><p>Screaming, Zuko tripped backward and fell to the floor again. He could smell smoke and burning flesh, he could hear the crowd laughing and cheering, he could feel the searing pain in his face —</p><p>Ozai’s fist connecting with his nose jolted him back to the present.</p><p>Not that that was a much better place to be right now.</p><p>Before he even had a chance to react, Ozai had kicked him hard in the stomach.</p><p>Doubled over in pain, Zuko felt another blow to his jaw, then his stomach again, then his head being slammed back against the wall, then his face again, and —</p><p>“Dad, <em>stop</em>!” Ozai stumbled backward, and it took Zuko a moment to realize that Azula had grabbed his hair and pulled hard. She might not be able to pry him off of Zuko in a contest of pure physical strength, but she had managed to startle and annoy her father enough to shift his attention.</p><p>As she let go, Zuko could see clumps of hair falling from her hands to the floor. So maybe she really had caused Ozai some pain there. Azula had always been good at that, and for once it almost could have made him smile.</p><p>Terror flashed in her eyes as Ozai turned his wrath toward her, advancing menacingly toward his daughter. It was suddenly apparent to Zuko how small she was in comparison, and how young she still was.</p><p>Younger than him. He was supposed to be the responsible one; he wasn’t supposed to be letting her do this with him — even if she wanted it, even if she had started it. This was all his fault.</p><p>Startling him from his guilty thoughts, Azula cried out in fear. A split second later, Ozai screamed in pain as blue fire engulfed his body.</p><p>Zuko’s head was still reeling, and with the immediate threat neutralized, he finally allowed his eyes to close.</p><hr/><p>When Zuko regained consciousness, Azula was gone. His head pounded and throbbed with pain as he sat up.</p><p>The smell of burnt flesh hit him like a punch to the nose, and he jumped, instinctively covering his scar.</p><p>There was a body lying on the floor.</p><p>
  <em>Fath— Ozai.</em>
</p><p>Zuko intended to check whether he was breathing, but as he stepped closer, one glance was all it took to realize there was no way he had survived.</p><p>His stomach, made more sensitive by perpetual hunger, lurched at the sight. Turning away and falling to his knees, he threw up on the floor.</p><p>It was mostly bile. There was almost nothing else in his stomach, and hadn’t been for a long time. It struck him how thin his arms had gotten, and he felt suddenly self-conscious, wanting to cover himself in as much clothing as possible. That urge was so ridiculously pointless now that he actually laughed — there was nobody here with him but a corpse.</p><p>Fuck, he was never going to get that image out of his head.</p><p>Where had Azula gone? He needed to leave this room right now.</p><p>Though he didn’t spare another glance toward Ozai’s body as he hurried out the door, he could feel its presence behind him, another weight dragging him down into the depths of his shattered family’s permanent misery.</p><p>He found his sister alone in the throne room, crying.</p><p>“Azula—”</p><p>Before he could get another word out, she whirled around in fury. “You made me kill him! You made me kill our <em>father</em>!”</p><p>“I didn’t make you do anything!”</p><p>“He was hitting <em>you</em>, and I stopped him, and then he scared me and — and—” Her voice hitched. “It w-was an accident. I didn’t want him to d-die.”</p><p>“So it’s <em>my</em> fault he hit me?!”</p><p>“Yes! If you would just listen and stop screwing up he wouldn’t do it, and we would be happy and normal and — Zuko, I <em>killed</em> him.”</p><p>“It was self-defense.”</p><p>“Doesn’t matter.” She sniffled. “Mom and Dad are gonna be so mad at me.”</p><p>Some part of his heart broke at that. It might have been a statement he’d heard and thought a million times before in childhood, but now it was a reminder of how far gone his little sister still was. Even after all they had been through, seeing how helpless and confused and <em>young</em> Azula looked crying to herself made him feel sorry for her.</p><p>Then she dropped into a fighting stance, and he reacted just quickly enough to narrowly dodge a blast of fire.</p><p>He countered with an attack of his own, and she evaded it far less nimbly than she might have a year ago, scowling at him. “You want to fight me?” he snapped, taking a stance of his own. “Fine. I’ll give you a fight.”</p><hr/><p>He stood there before her — Zuko, her brother, her <em>lover</em>, her enemy — challenging her again. Hadn’t they both learned their lesson last time?</p><p>
  <em>I don’t even want him, do I? I thought I did. I thought…</em>
</p><p><em> Do you </em>ever<em> think, Azula?</em></p><p>
  <em> I didn’t want to, he didn’t want to, I knew how it hurts and I did it to him anyway, I made him feel the same thing, I wanted him to suffer too because I’m evil, they’re all right I’m wrong I’m the bad one I’m a monster —</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Stupid stupid stupid shut up you’re acting like your brother —</em>
</p><p>
  <em> How did I give birth to such an abomination?</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Shut up all of you make it stop I hate this I hate you I hate myself I want to die —</em>
</p><p>Tears spilled over and coursed down Azula’s cheeks as she prepared to shoot lightning at her favorite victim one last time.</p><p><em>He’ll redirect it,</em> she assured herself. Of course he would, given enough warning, and she was certainly giving him that. <em>I just hope he knows where to aim.</em></p><p>The vicious, deadly energy danced around her, only barely tamed — much like the princess who never knew how to be a person; like the girl who didn’t know how to be a sister, or how to love, or how to want anything in an innocent way without consuming and destroying like a raging wildfire.</p><p>
  <em>Come on, Zuzu. You know what to do.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Strike me back for once.</em>
</p><hr/><p>Lightning.</p><p>Azula was a thunderstorm in herself, tears raining down and lightning crackling all around her as she prepared to strike.</p><p>Zuko’s hands were shaking; his stance was weak and sloppy. What if he couldn’t redirect it? Sure, he’d managed against Ozai’s, but never hers — and she was clearly a more powerful firebender, if her flame that burned so much hotter than anyone else’s as to be <em>blue</em> was any indication. What if it was just like the Agni Kai, only this time, Katara wouldn’t be here to save him?</p><p>What if she killed him?</p><p>He knew he should run, but he couldn’t. Time seemed to slow as she aimed the lightning for his heart.</p><p>Zuko caught it, allowing it in through his fingertips and down his arm — <em>don’t let it go through your heart, don’t let her kill you</em> — and nearly sighing with relief as he felt it pass through his stomach, immense energy swirling within him. It didn’t hurt, exactly, but it was uncomfortably intense, and he wanted it out as soon as possible.</p><p>The other arm was a bit of an unexpected problem — for a brief moment, the energy seemed to catch in his shoulder, refusing to travel through the badly burned portion. It was still healing, slowly, but it would scar.</p><p>Azula had done this to him.</p><p>His sister had effectively thrown him in front of his father’s wrath hundreds of times, had gloated over his pain for years, had nearly killed him with lightning in the Agni Kai and tried again just moments ago, had burned him repeatedly and severely, had forced him to sleep with her and planned to force him to marry her and deal with this <em>forever</em>, and he couldn’t do it anymore.</p><p><em>Shit,</em> this lightning was going to blow his arm off and possibly kill him if he didn’t get it to leave his body immediately.</p><p>Uncle had learned this technique from the waterbenders, so maybe…</p><p>Like a wave crashing against the shore and retreating back into the ocean, Zuko allowed the lightning to move back into his stomach, and leave the way it had come — through the arm still pointed at Azula.</p><p>All of this had taken only a few seconds’ time. She was still watching his burned arm, aimed at the ceiling, with wild eyes, and realized what he had done only a split second before the bolt struck her in the chest.</p><p>Her scream as she finally went down would haunt Zuko for years to come.</p><p>Immediately, he felt regret. Rushing over and kneeling beside her, he checked that she was still alive, his own heart pounding violently. She was for the time being, but her pulse was faint and her breath weak, and he didn’t know if she would make it.</p><p>“No,” he said helplessly, voice hoarse with fear and sadness as his eye filled with tears. “Azula, I’m sorry…” He hugged her limp, bone-thin (when had she lost so much weight?) frame close to his own, wishing he could turn back time. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p>
  <em>I might have killed her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> I killed my sister.</em>
</p><p>Forming a fire dagger from his fingertips, Zuko brought it close to his own throat. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, heat already uncomfortably near to his skin as he prepared to strike the final blow at last.</p><p>
  <em>“No!”</em>
</p><p>Startled, he opened his eyes, dagger fizzling out as he whipped his head around to see Suki and Ty Lee standing in the doorway.</p><p>They ran over to the siblings, Ty Lee briefly examining Azula before picking her up with surprising ease. “I’ll get her to a doctor. She’ll be okay.” She met Zuko’s eyes with an uncharacteristically harsh look gathering in her own. “Don’t beat yourself up for it. You did what you had to do. She’s terrifying, and you know she would’ve done the same and worse to you if you didn’t defend yourself.”</p><p>With that, she carried Azula out of the room, and Suki sat down beside him. “Zuko… you need help.”</p><p>“I’m <em>fine</em>.”</p><p>“Shut up. Anyone can see you aren’t.”</p><p>Fear knifed through him instantly. “It’s that obvious?”<em> They’ve seen how weak I am. They’re all going to turn against me—</em></p><p>“Zuko, relax. <em>Breathe.</em> No one here is going to use this against you, okay?”</p><p>“Of course they are! There are hundreds of people who want me removed from the throne, and plenty of them want me dead! <em>Everyone</em> is against me, and I don’t have anyone left — I just almost killed the one person I did have!”</p><p>“Well, you have me.”</p><p>“You know what I mean.”</p><p>“No, I don’t. What do you mean?”</p><p>“I just miss… I miss having friends.”</p><p>“Are we not friends anymore?” Suki looked surprised and a little hurt, and he immediately felt guilty.</p><p>“I mean, friends I can talk to about all the stuff going on. I know we’re friends, but not the way some people are friends. Not like you and Ty Lee are, or like Aang and Sokka and Toph and Katara are with each other.”</p><p>“Zuko, we’re all here for you if you want to talk, but you keep pushing us away.”</p><p>“You don’t have to lie to me. I know we’re all just political allies, and that’s <em>fine</em>.”</p><p>She shook her head in frustration. “Look, I know you and I were never that close, but do you seriously think your best friends don’t care about you?”</p><p>He shrugged.</p><p>“Of course they do!”</p><p>“Really?!” he finally snapped. “Because I haven’t seen any of them in <em>months</em>, and there are people actively trying to kill me and everything is falling apart and I’m so alone I had to turn to my father and sister for guidance even though they both hate me and—”</p><p>“Wait, you talked to Ozai? When?”</p><p>“I… a few weeks ago? A month or two, or three? I can’t remember.” <em>She killed him. He's... gone.</em></p><p>“Of course.” She sighed. “When’s the last time you ate something?”</p><p>He groaned. “Please don’t do this right now.”</p><p>“No, I want to know! When did you last eat?”</p><p>“I don’t know… yesterday morning?”</p><p>She looked skeptical. “When did you last eat more than a couple of bites at a time?”</p><p>“I don’t know, okay?!” he exploded. “I know I’m a mess, you don’t have to rub it in!”</p><p>“I’m not trying to!” Hands up in surrender, she backed off on that. “I’m just worried about you. And your other friends would be too, if you let them have any idea what was going on.”</p><p>“I don’t expect anyone to care.”</p><p>“Well, we do care, so stop with that.”</p><p>Zuko said nothing.</p><p>“You know, they were planning to surprise you, but I think the time for that is definitely past.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“They arrived a few days ago — well, not all on the exact same day, of course, some earlier and some later — but that’s not the point. They were going to surprise you for your birthday, and normally I wouldn’t ruin the surprise, but I think we have much bigger things to worry about right now.”</p><p>“My birthday?” He’d sort of forgotten that existed, let alone that it was anytime soon. “What — what day is it?”</p><p>“Zuko…” Suki looked so sad and worried. “Can I give you a hug? And don’t be all weird and self-sacrificing, just tell me what you’re comfortable with.”</p><p>“Yeah. Okay.”</p><p>It was the first hug he’d had in months, and he <em>wanted</em> to like it, he really did. For a moment it felt nice, but then he pulled away abruptly, throat constricting in panic.</p><p>Given that the only person who had held him that closely in the last few months was Azula, and that that had only been while she — while they — well, he was bound to be a bit messed up for touch.</p><p>“I’m sorry. It’s not you.” He wanted to cry.</p><p>“It’s alright. I won’t touch you unless you ask, okay? You have my word.” Zuko got the uncomfortable sense she had at least some vague idea of what the issue was. “Hey. It’s okay if you need to cry, you know? It’s just us, and I won’t tell anybody. I mean, not that you should have to feel ashamed of it, but I know you do, so…”</p><p>He finally let months of solitary anguish come flooding out, body shaking with both pain and release, loud sobs echoing in the throne room as tears streamed down his face.</p><p>After several minutes had passed, as he finally began to calm down, Suki got to her feet. He looked up in mild surprise.</p><p>“I think we should go see our friends.”</p><p>The tears started up again at the thought of finally seeing them, and Zuko couldn’t tell if he was happy or sad — probably both.</p><p>“Do you want me to help you up?”</p><p>Accepting Suki’s hand, he let her pull him to his feet. He wavered unsteadily there for a moment. “Am I gonna have to walk?”</p><p>“Do you want to take the palanquin? Or one of the mongoose lizards?”</p><p>“I don’t want anyone else to know we’re going. I don’t need anybody following us.”</p><p>“You don’t want to <em>walk</em>, though, do you?”</p><p>“Honestly? I can barely stand up right now.”</p><p>“Yeah, I can see that. Do you think you can make it to the stables? I can go in and grab one of the lizards, no one has to know I’m bringing you with me on it.”</p><p>“I don’t think I can.”</p><p>“Well, I guess I could come back for you…” She looked uncertain.</p><p>“No! Please don’t leave me alone.”</p><p>“I won’t, don’t worry.” She chewed at her lip nervously. “I mean… I guess I could carry you there, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”</p><p>“I won’t be too heavy for you?”</p><p>Suki rolled her eyes. “Please.”</p><p>“I’d appreciate it, then. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Stop apologizing.” One arm under his back and one under his legs, she lifted him easily. “You alright?”</p><p>“Yeah.” This felt different enough from the way Azula had touched him to be safe, and he buried his bruised face in Suki’s shoulder, grateful for some physical contact that wasn’t intended to hurt.</p><p>“Are you excited to see them?” she asked as they made their way to the stables.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>As they rode off into the night, Zuko seated behind Suki with his arms around her waist, he found himself drifting off to sleep, feeling something close to safe for the first time in a long while.</p>
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